Struggle...

I am really struggling. This is the first time I have put in out there in black and white but it is what it is. This parenting gig is hard, harder than you are ever told, harder than you can ever imagine. There are days where I am so at a loss. I don't mean to pat myself on the back but I tend to be good at whatever I try, but this parenting thing, there is no scorecard. You have no way of knowing, other than intuition (which I feel is failing me at times), if you are doing the right thing.

Hannah has always been a very good kid and lately she just isn't. I don't know what to do. Yesterday her behavior was bad beyond belief and I asked her what the deal was. She told me there was something inside of her causing her to be defiant ("making me say no and do things") and she was trying to stop but couldn't. I was at a loss for words. She gave me a brief rundown of the first 10 minutes or so of when she was up (exact play by play of her and Chris' conversation, getting out of bed, going potty, talking to the dog, etc)but then said "IT" tookover. I don't know what to think. We are trying to control her diet. We do know that she is extra sensitive to caffeine and do not allow it under any circumstances. We are starting to wonder if even the slight bit of caffeine in chocolate can send her over the edge.

When she snaps out of these vicious whatever they are she is my sweet, sweet girl. She is so happy, not necessarily apologetic (I don't think she feels responsible) but definately strives to make amends. Last night she kissed my arm where I got a shot and told me that she hopes it feels better because she is sad when I hurt. Those words are words of my girl- not this kid who seems to take over and makes our lives hell for hours. She abruptly snaps out of it too. I don't know what to do. I guess the obvious would be to talk to her pediatrician, but I don't want him to run for the Ritalin. That's not the answer. In a way I don't believe in medicating children. I am sure there are instances where I would be in agreement but those would be few and far between. I feel so helpless.

No one ever told me it would be this damn hard. My heart just aches when I don't have the answers and feel like I can't help one of my girls. I love them with all of my being. I just hope its enough...

It's my blog and I need to RANT!

I realize I am lucky to have a happy, mostly healthy child.  I get that.  I seriously have the crappiest luck.  J's regular pediatrician has not seen a tumor of her type in his 25-plus years of practice.  Fine, I get that it is rare.

The surgeon she has been seeing at Primary Children's has not seen one like it either but feels specialized enough to handle it.  However, he put in notice and will only be with the practice at PC until April 30.  Yes, seriously.  Our surgeon quit on us....  SIGH... 

My <3 Aches...

This is the first time since becoming a parent that I have experienced so much doubt and heartache. We got the results of J's biopsy. She has massive benign lipoblastoma. I am so grateful that our baby girl does not have cancer. I can't put into words the relief I felt when Dr. Schmelzer told me that. Months of worry was lifted. We aren't in the clear yet. We still need to decide how to remove. There is so much to consider. We can remove it surgically or through liposuction. If we remove it surgically, the doctors will be able to get it all and the chance of recurrance is very, very low. If we have it removed through liposuction the chance of being able to remove it all is not likely, so recurrance is greater.

I am leaning towards surgery. I think Chris is still on the fence. Scars fade and my girl can be done with this whole debauchle. I just don't want her to be in any pain. This is so hard on her because she understands so much, yet this she doesn't understand. I don't like seeing her in pain, frustrated, and confused.... I just hurt and want to absorb her hurt...

Easter...

My chicks did not want to cooperate with pics on Easter.  It was a fun filled weekend.  Hannah had a soccer game on Saturday, followed by an egg hunt at my mom's house.  From there we went home and had homemade pizza with the intention of coloring eggs but everyone was too tired.  The next morning the chicks went to church with my mom and met us at brunch at Marie Callendar's.  Let me just say their spinach quiche is TO DIE FOR!  So we ate brunch with Chris' dads family.  From there we went home and finally colored eggs.  After Justyce took her required nap we then went to Easter dinner and my mother in laws.  Too much food, but a lot of fun!

What Happen in Vegas...

Stays in Vegas, which on this trip was definately a good thing! ;)  We went the first weekend in April with our friends Tony and Lisa.  At the end of the trip I realized few pics were take but with the debauchery we got ourselves into, at least there is not evidence.  I am trying to think of something we did that I care to put in writing.... OH, we did eat an amazing dinner at the steakhouse in the Excalibur.  Chris was a little perturbed that I order chicken pot pie in a steakhouse.  However, all was forgiven when he tasted that pie.  It was DIVINE!

Zoo Pics- 3/21/09

As unhappy as the chicks look in some of these pics they really did enjoy the zoo.  Aunt Rissy went with us and we made a day of it, even getting lunch at our favorite Cafe Rio.  It was a fun day!

St. Patty's Day Pics

The girls were lucky enough to be able to play outside on St. Patty's Day.  We all know what a rareity outside days have been this spring.

Mommy Award!

I was tagged by my friend Amber with a Mommy Award!

Here are the rules:
1. Admit ONE thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are NO LONGER allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a great mom!
~  I hate that despite my attempts, I am not patient.  I REALLY struggle with having to tell the girls (mainly Hannah) to do something more than twice.  Twice is my limit.

2. To remind yourself that you ARE a good mom, list SEVEN things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself of EVERY DAY that you rock!

1-  I love watching how tender Hannah is with Justyce and knowing she learned that from us.

2-  I love watching the girls ride bikes together.  J wants so badly to be a big kid like her sisters and even insists on riding on the sidewalk- not the grass.

3-  I love watching Justyce playing with her Fisher-Price Little People.  She moves them around the barn and their house and you can just see the wheels turning in her little head.

4- I love sharing Hannah's successes with her right now as she learns to read.

5- I love the way Justyce scrunches her nose at us when she is being naughty or funny.

6- Even though I say its a nusiance, I love than Hannah comes and cuddles in our bed at night.

7- I love that we have given our girls the gift of a sister, I of all people, know just how precious that is. 

I'm falling apart @ the seams...

I was unable to get J's biopsy scheduled today.  The nurse who schedules them was in surgery all day.  Chris left for Denver today.   He will be back late Saturday night.  I had a rough night at work.  I am still dealing with leftover financial mess from closing on the house.  I don't know how I am going to make it through the week.

2:20 pm

At 2:20 pm today I received a voicemail from Justyce's doctor @ Primary Children's.  He informed me that the medical panel met last week and have come to a near certain conclusion that the unknown on Justyce's back are tumors, most likely lipoma.  Lipoma is about 95% benign.  However, we are calling tomorrow to schedule a biopsy.  We feel is it better to be certain than sorry.  Please keep our baby girl in your thoughts.  She completes us.

We mean spring!

The girls and I were having a rough morning and what better way to cure it than unleashing them outside.  J loves being outside.  She especially loves the wind and the snow.  Luckily, for Hannah and I, there was none this morning.  Could it really finally be here?

MUST BRAG!

You all know I LOVE BabyLegs. http://babylegs.com/ They are the absolute cutest baby accessory, however, they can get quite costly. I discovered that adult arm warmers are the exact same dimension but less than half the cost. I got great ones like shown above @ Rue 21 on clearance for 50 cents. I just had to brag because you all know how I love a great bargain! And Justyce ABSOLUTELY loves skulls. She has the jolley jack purple baby legs and loves them. They are her favorite! If I open her drawer and ask her to pick some socks they are the first ones she picks without fail. She could really care less for the striped ones or even the zebra.

A Hannah Funny...

Hannah:  I want to grow my hair out long again and then cut it all off like I did last year.

Mom:  That sounds great!  Have you heard of Locks of Love?  Once your hair gets really long we can cut it off and donate it to people who don't have hair.

Hannah:  People like Daddy?

We are having a rough week here in the Kawa household.  I hate whining but this is my blog and I will do it as much as I see fit.  It's fitting like a glove right about now.  :)

Hannah has hit an all-time level of difficulty.  I have had it so easy with her thus far and I guess it had to come to an end sooner or later.  The kid will not listen.  She acts so sincere when we are explaining expectations and sounds like she is going to be gung-ho to follow rules.  However, reality is a different story and it is getting to be so trying to get her to follow basic house rules.  I know that she understands what we expect (i.e.- no yogurt in the tv room, no stickers on your walls, etc.) but selectively chooses when she follows the rules.  

Today she threw a screaming, onbnoxious fit when it was time to put her bike away to go to my sister's house.  She knew it was coming.  It wasn't an idea we sprung on her.  Nonetheless, she threw a tantrum fit for a 2 year old.  I don't know what to do somedays.  Revoking priveleges doesn't work.   She seems to think she runs the house and I guess in essance for along time she did.  I just want to pull my hair out, although it's not a viable solution it may make me feel better momentarily.

We went to Primary last Friday for J's appointment for her vascular abnormalities/hemangioma.  It looks like we may be at square one in regard to all that.  The MRI she had at Mc-Kay didn't pick up on the masses.  I don't understand why not.  The masses are visible to the naked eye.  The new doctor seems much better than the last doctor we saw at Primary.  He has much better bedside manner and actually talks to us like we are people and not numbers in a case study.  He is going to talk about J at a medical conference later this month and seek input from other specialists and then will get back with us.  Between now and then I try not to dwell on all the "what ifs."

UGGHHH...

Everyone tries to paint a rosy picture on their blog.  I am just going to comeout and say it.  Being a mom is hard.   It is just plain hard and I don't know how I am going to get through the next day let alone the next 17-plus years.

ZzZzZzZzZz...

I used to be such a good sleeper.  I would enjoy an 8-10 hour sleep on a damn near daily basis and suddenly I just can't.  I am definately not less tired.  I am typing this in a stupor.  I just cannot sleep.  I can't sleep at night- nor during the day- and if I have the time for a nap my body does not allow it.

Right now I should be napping.  House is clean.  Baby is asleep.  I have to work tonight and slept 4 hours last night and I just can't.  Not in silence.  Not with white noise.  Nothing.  So here I be.

However, I did redecorate the girls' bathroom and I added some tulle to a beanie for Justyce and I played a game with Hannah, so not all is lost.  When we moved I neglected to have any room in my new house revolve around the color red and that somewhat saddened me.  So this morning Justyce and I made our way to ROSS for a red shower curtain.  It is quite possibly the greatest shower curtain ever.

She says te damnedest things!

We went to the local RedBox tonight to drop off a movie and get a new one (Chris and I are about to enjoy Religulous!).  As we were pulling away Hannah says, "Dad, are you drunk?"  Chris and I are both shocked!  How does she know the work drunk or what it is?  Chris tells her that he isn't and asks what kind of question is that.  She just non chalantly says, "Just one that I asked."  

Chris proceeds to tell her that he isn't drunk and she shouldn't just ask questions like that.  She just once again says, "Sometimes you get drunk."  Chris then tells her that sometimes he has a drink but that he doesn't get drunk.  To which she just shrugs, clearly thinking that it is the same thing.  Where does she get this stuff from?

Some Hannah Birthday pics...

Christmas Day Pics.. FINALLY!

Nearing the finish....

We have finally closed on our house. It has been a quasi-nightmare process. Our seller and her lovely agent have been just damned peachy (insert more than a hint of sarcasm). Due to not receving keys on time, we could not move this weekend. However, much time went into beautifying this place. It was in need of much love. We (meaning our whole damn troop: both sets of Chris' parents, my mom, and 2 of my sister, and Chris' cousin) painted our asses off! I have a purple accent wall in my living room. It is amazing. I will post pics when the room is not filled with an array of paint supplies. This place doesn't feel like home yet, I am hoping that is soon to come.

Yuck...

I'm sick and can't sleep. All I hear are two little girls hacking across the hall. Is winter over yet?

Hot.. No, Cold... Now Hot.. Or Cold...

I am 90% sure I have the flu. Hannah's nose is running like a leaky faucet. And JC got her first shiner. Its been a hell of a day. Luckily, Chris made it through in one piece and took fabulous care of all of us.

Here I am...

We did our presettlement walk through today. Unfortunately, the carpet is worse than I remember and whether we get the carpet allowance at closing or off the total price it has got to come up before we put any of our stuff in that house. Other than that today was busy, we cleaned and organized the toy room. That itself was a huge feat. Today was a good day. I even got a nap, albeit a small one. Anyday I get a nap is a good day. I'm still 2 years old in that respect.

I love her.

She is going to be 5 in 10 days. That makes my heart hurt and also make me realize my own mortality. If she gets older that means I get older, etc. I miss her today. After school I dropped her off to go sledding with my dad. She would rather do that than come home and help me with chores. Go figure.

Goals... And not meeting them...

So one of my new year's goals was to blog daily. Here it is the 8th of January and I have yet to blog or even put up Christmas pics. Not doing so hot at this one. I will do better, possibly.

I have been getting ready to move. We are going to do a major purge. I am excited about that. I am sick of holding on to crap we don't need and now there is really no reason since we are done adding to our family. Unless we get some middle aged bug up our asses and decide to adopt. But that would be so far down the road that everything we have would most likely be obsolute. I'm sure by 2024 there will be much cooler items than a Bumbo or Leap Frog Learning Table.

So back to my goals, I always get so off track which is why I am not on track to meet them. Our goals are to purge all the stuff we don't need, be more organized, be more green, and make more health concious choices. Sounds pretty generic, but I am so looking forward to moving and revamping our lifestyle. We have the walk through of our house scheduled for this Saturday and closing should go down on Thursday, January 15th. It could possibly be later than that but hopefully not much since we selected that day so we would have three weekends following closing left in January to do the things to both the old and the new house that need to get done. We were told we need to paint Hannah's room. Apparently my dad isn't hip on bright ass purple and bubble gum pink. We also have a red accent wall to paint. That shouldn't be too big of a deal. Hannah is going to be so heartbroken when we paint her room. She picked those colors herself on her 3rd birthday.

Speaking of Hannah, my girl is turning 5. I am in awe. I still vividly remember the night we brought her home from the hospital and I sent Chris out at 3 in the morning to Wal-Mart (GASP!) for a breastpump because she would not stop crying but wouldn't nurse and that was having some unforseen consequences for my pajamas. We were so clueless. Who would've though that if you are going to breastfeed you may need a pump? I love my girl with my whole heart she amazes me daily with her capacity for reasoning and understanding. Right now she is in Justyce's room trying to teach Justyce the ABC's. Justyce isn't having it and is banging something with a toy hammer.