Struggle...

I am really struggling. This is the first time I have put in out there in black and white but it is what it is. This parenting gig is hard, harder than you are ever told, harder than you can ever imagine. There are days where I am so at a loss. I don't mean to pat myself on the back but I tend to be good at whatever I try, but this parenting thing, there is no scorecard. You have no way of knowing, other than intuition (which I feel is failing me at times), if you are doing the right thing.

Hannah has always been a very good kid and lately she just isn't. I don't know what to do. Yesterday her behavior was bad beyond belief and I asked her what the deal was. She told me there was something inside of her causing her to be defiant ("making me say no and do things") and she was trying to stop but couldn't. I was at a loss for words. She gave me a brief rundown of the first 10 minutes or so of when she was up (exact play by play of her and Chris' conversation, getting out of bed, going potty, talking to the dog, etc)but then said "IT" tookover. I don't know what to think. We are trying to control her diet. We do know that she is extra sensitive to caffeine and do not allow it under any circumstances. We are starting to wonder if even the slight bit of caffeine in chocolate can send her over the edge.

When she snaps out of these vicious whatever they are she is my sweet, sweet girl. She is so happy, not necessarily apologetic (I don't think she feels responsible) but definately strives to make amends. Last night she kissed my arm where I got a shot and told me that she hopes it feels better because she is sad when I hurt. Those words are words of my girl- not this kid who seems to take over and makes our lives hell for hours. She abruptly snaps out of it too. I don't know what to do. I guess the obvious would be to talk to her pediatrician, but I don't want him to run for the Ritalin. That's not the answer. In a way I don't believe in medicating children. I am sure there are instances where I would be in agreement but those would be few and far between. I feel so helpless.

No one ever told me it would be this damn hard. My heart just aches when I don't have the answers and feel like I can't help one of my girls. I love them with all of my being. I just hope its enough...

It's my blog and I need to RANT!

I realize I am lucky to have a happy, mostly healthy child.  I get that.  I seriously have the crappiest luck.  J's regular pediatrician has not seen a tumor of her type in his 25-plus years of practice.  Fine, I get that it is rare.

The surgeon she has been seeing at Primary Children's has not seen one like it either but feels specialized enough to handle it.  However, he put in notice and will only be with the practice at PC until April 30.  Yes, seriously.  Our surgeon quit on us....  SIGH... 

My <3 Aches...

This is the first time since becoming a parent that I have experienced so much doubt and heartache. We got the results of J's biopsy. She has massive benign lipoblastoma. I am so grateful that our baby girl does not have cancer. I can't put into words the relief I felt when Dr. Schmelzer told me that. Months of worry was lifted. We aren't in the clear yet. We still need to decide how to remove. There is so much to consider. We can remove it surgically or through liposuction. If we remove it surgically, the doctors will be able to get it all and the chance of recurrance is very, very low. If we have it removed through liposuction the chance of being able to remove it all is not likely, so recurrance is greater.

I am leaning towards surgery. I think Chris is still on the fence. Scars fade and my girl can be done with this whole debauchle. I just don't want her to be in any pain. This is so hard on her because she understands so much, yet this she doesn't understand. I don't like seeing her in pain, frustrated, and confused.... I just hurt and want to absorb her hurt...

Easter...

My chicks did not want to cooperate with pics on Easter.  It was a fun filled weekend.  Hannah had a soccer game on Saturday, followed by an egg hunt at my mom's house.  From there we went home and had homemade pizza with the intention of coloring eggs but everyone was too tired.  The next morning the chicks went to church with my mom and met us at brunch at Marie Callendar's.  Let me just say their spinach quiche is TO DIE FOR!  So we ate brunch with Chris' dads family.  From there we went home and finally colored eggs.  After Justyce took her required nap we then went to Easter dinner and my mother in laws.  Too much food, but a lot of fun!

What Happen in Vegas...

Stays in Vegas, which on this trip was definately a good thing! ;)  We went the first weekend in April with our friends Tony and Lisa.  At the end of the trip I realized few pics were take but with the debauchery we got ourselves into, at least there is not evidence.  I am trying to think of something we did that I care to put in writing.... OH, we did eat an amazing dinner at the steakhouse in the Excalibur.  Chris was a little perturbed that I order chicken pot pie in a steakhouse.  However, all was forgiven when he tasted that pie.  It was DIVINE!

Zoo Pics- 3/21/09

As unhappy as the chicks look in some of these pics they really did enjoy the zoo.  Aunt Rissy went with us and we made a day of it, even getting lunch at our favorite Cafe Rio.  It was a fun day!

St. Patty's Day Pics

The girls were lucky enough to be able to play outside on St. Patty's Day.  We all know what a rareity outside days have been this spring.